"Everyone wants to change by sitting exactly where they are. You have to journey, you have to travel—to take a solo adventure within yourself and your soul."

Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Dr. Shefali is an author, clinical psychologist, wisdom teacher and international speaker. Dr. Shefali’s ground-breaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the NY Times best-sellers list. Oprah has endorsed her work as revolutionary and life-changing.

As an international speaker, Dr. Shefali speaks at events around the globe, spreading her message of conscious parenting and mindful living. Dr. Shefali’s blend of clinical psychology and eastern mindfulness sets her apart as a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology, and she has a private practice where she consults with families and couples.

A common question from the Kwik Brain community is: why do most (more than half of all relationships) relationships fail? How can we move on from heartbreak? We grow the most through interaction and intimacy, but so many of us experience trouble along the way. The good news is by working on ourselves, we can change the patterns we’ve been seeing in our relationships and work towards a healthier, brighter future.

A New York Times bestselling author of the recently released The Awakened Family, today’s guest Dr. Shefali is a clinical psychologist, teacher and international speaker who has built her career on helping others to break free of limiting beliefs. She’s here to tell us how we can start to love ourselves, move through life with freedom and encourage the people around us to discover their best selves.

In this conversation, we delve into some of the biggest misconceptions surrounding relationships, why we need to invest in ourselves, and why romantic love is a delusion. We’ll explain how self-love can change your life and give you some suggestions to get started on your own journey toward healthier relationships.

 

Show Notes

RELATIONSHIP MYTHS

  • Don’t look at it as trouble and failure: one of the greatest misconceptions about relationships is that they can fail
  • Relationships never fail: they are always the perfect mirror for who you are
  • Mirror because it is through the relationship you get to see how you have yet to grow, how you need to heal yourself
  • We are always healing, always evolving
  • Until we are mostly healed, we will keep using relationships for the wrong reasons: dependency, for being possessed or possessing the other, control
  • It’s a repetition of what you did as a child with your parents—you will repeat this in most relationships until you heal your inner child and awaken so you don’t need someone else to heal you
  • In relationship therapy, people come in saying: he/she didn’t meet my needs and they should meet my needs, but there’s nobody on the outside who should and can meet our inner needs—it’s your inside responsibility

 

ROMANTIC LOVE

  • Hollywood promotes the idea of romantic love, which is a delusion: e.g. ‘you complete me’
  • This idea is predicated on an inner void, and it preys on our inner hunger: fools us to believe that hunger can be satisfied by somebody on the outside
  • Romantic love is an industry that we all fall for: believing there’s somebody perfect for us—and most marriages “fail” because they are based on this wrong idea and ideals
  • Marriage can end up being a reenactment of your relationship with your parents: this might have involved control, possession, conditional love, desperate need
  • Conditionality in relationships: e.g. as long as you follow my prerequisites of what makes a perfect partner I will adore you, but as soon as you struggle, be imperfect, or grow and change and want to leave the relationship, I will hate you
  • Relationships often fail because they are based on a lot of prescriptions and expectations

 

CONSCIOUS PARENTING

  • Consciousness is a journey: an awakening process that has many layers
  • You need to realize we are all humans here on this same journey: try not to pressure yourself to raise the perfect kid because there is no such thing
  • Purpose: each one of us is here on this earth to manifest our unique voice
  • Your ego (pain-body) and unhealed self can keep blocking the capacity of ourselves and our child to evolve until you resolve it
  • The challenge to resolve your inner pain and wounding from childhood

 

SELF-LOVE

  • You can’t love yourself until you heal yourself, and that requires dedication and a process—you have to marry the journey and be committed
  • If there’s any marriage we should undertake, any commitment we should make, it should be to walk this path towards our inner truth
  • Before we marry someone on the outside, the first union that needs to occur is deep healing of the inner self

 

WHERE YOU CAN START

  • The path out of suffering is the most simple elegant path you can take
  • Start by looking in the mirror and being brutally transparent with yourself
  • How many people are you being transparent within your life? A common answer is: maybe one if that
  • First, be willing to say: I have been inauthentic and have not been living my truth
  • Then begin the path to open your mind to the fears that have been blocking you: start reading, listening to podcasts, retreats, dig deep and seek help
  • You have to begin by searching, by being a seeker
  • Everyone wants to change by sitting exactly where they are. You have to journey, you have to travel—take a solo adventure within yourself and your soul
  • It’s not easy, but we spend hours and decades going to school, we spend hours every day on our appearance—what if we channeled that into self-work?

 

CONFLICT WITHIN RELATIONSHIPS

  • When we were young and in love we might have fallen in love with the ‘person’ of another person that filled the void in us
  • When one person in a relationship awakens and the other person doesn’t, it creates a shift
  • Women might move towards consciousness a little faster: women can be more emotionally literate, more nurturing, oxytocin-filled, typically bonders, have been allowed to be in touch with their inner world
  • Men have often told not to be in touch with their emotions and inner world
  • The answer to ‘how do I change my partner?’ is: you can’t
  • This creates chaos and tough choices: do you stick with your truth or continue conforming to an idea of a happy relationship?
  • If your partner is ready for inspiration you might be able to help by being yourself, but you cannot ask them to change or expect them to just because you have
  • Consciousness allows you to understand we are not all meant to change at the same pace
  • Each being is here to change exactly when they’re ready
  • Consciousness will help you to release expectations and free everybody to be themselves

 

MISTAKES

  • Biggest delusion about relationships: expecting that people are here to meet your needs, expecting that we can control them
  • By stepping away from this type of thinking, you free the people around you and yourself

 

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